To the delight of everyone (especially Jolene, whose appetite was ballooning along with her waist size), our four heroines had dropped in just in time for The Big Party! It was Brenda’s hundred and eleventh birthday (figuratively) and it was widely known that she would

a) give out presents

b) invite Avi the Fiery Red to make some swish-buckling fireworks

and c) go into retirement after being the main distributor of Smocks United in all four farthings of the Shire.

The night began with some unusual fireworks. Someone had paid Avi 15 Republic Credits to write ‘SQUEEEEEEEE’ all over the sky in blinding green explosions, and Avi had accidentally let the ‘eeeeee’s run amok. Elsewhere, Brenda was telling Keri the story of how she had defeated three monstrous teenyboppers with the use of a special leather smock, and everyone else was… well…

(Let’s just say Frodo, Merry and Pippin didn’t get much sleep that night. Well, neither did Sam, but that was just Phoebe’s fault.)

At last the time came when everyone had had their turn molesticating Frodo and were now just egging Phoebe on (frying pans, woo), and Brenda took her place on the rigged pedestal.

“My Dear Stephanies and Beccas, Sarahs and Jessicas! Kates! Kyms! Jennifers! Amys!” Brenda paused a moment to catch her breath and peer at the writing on her palm. “Tiffanys, and Maries.”

“MARYS!” Shouted Mary, and clubbed Merry before he could interrupt.

“Today is my hundred and eleventh birthday!”

“Geez, you’re old!”

Blink.

“Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable Sisters. I don’t know half of you as well as I should like, and I can hardly be blamed, as there’re so many of you.”

There was a pause, as people tried to tally up the numbers and failed miserably. Brenda, mistaking the pause for something else, began to finger her smock nervously.

“I, er… have things to do.” She said. “I’ve put this off for far too long. I regret to announce that this is the end!” The way she said this made even the sleepy baby Tooks sit up. “I am going to eat the One Cheesy Poof! And I don’t expect my digestion will ever recover!”

There was a general gasp of disbelief as Brenda pulled a cheesy poof the size of Alabama (okay, maybe not. The size of CD then) out of her smock pocket. It hung from a string of spaghetti, which it was attached to by a well-chewed piece of gum. It seemed to grow in front of their eyes and become quite inedible.

Legend (and the Gaffer’s gossip) had it that Brenda had once gone on an unexpected journey to rid the dwarves of the teenyboppers claiming the dwarves’ precious gemstones (no interpretive sparkles here, mind) for their own. In the Battle of the Five Armies (elves, dwarves, men, eagles and purists), Brenda had saved the day by telling the teenyboppers that the smocks they wore were really made out of fake leather. As the teenyboppers reeled from shock and fashion faux pas, the purists had been able to beat them senseless and send them via Owl Express to OFUM. An inspection of the defiled Misty Mountain revealed strange objects, among them much-slobbered over Legolas posters (which Thranduil had destroyed immediately) and a stick of purple coloured lip gloss (this Elrond confiscated, for educational purposes, of course). And hidden deep within the caverns was the One Cheesy Poof, which Brenda then pocketed as her reward for saving Middle Earth.

Back in the present, Brenda’s eyes were glazing over as she licked her lips and prepared to eat the One Cheesy Poof all by herself. Then, all of a sudden, Avi raised her wizardly wand and shouted “Wingardium Leviosa!” (I bet you saw that coming a mile away.) When nothing happened, she scratched her head and tapped her wand in confusion.

“It’s Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa.” Sarah whispered.

“Oh, thank you.” Avi whispered back. “FREEZE!”

Nothing happened.

No seriously. Everyone froze in place (Frodo in the middle of the chicken dance too), and then Lady V stood up and looked around. “This is odd.” She said.

“Oh, good, I’m not the only one!” Diana pounced on Lady V and shrieked, “THE WORLD IS ENDING! We’re all gonna dieeeeee!”

“No we aren’t.” Avi said, coming up to them. “I just froze everyone else for the moment, as I have something very important to tell you.”

“You are my father?” Diana squeaked.

“Well, no, just your mother. The point is… Will someone get Becks away from the One Cheesy Poof?” Avi asked. Becks was approaching the One cheesy Poof with caution, hissing and gurgling as she went.

“You go.” Diana pointed at Lady V.

“No, you go.” Lady V replied.

“Okay, how about Jolene goes?” Diana asked. They looked around. “Jolene?”

Jolene was frozen in the act of stealing a fork from Lobelia Sackville-Baggins’ umbrella. Avi went over to her and poked her. Nothing. “Odd, my spell was only to freeze hobbits. In any case…” Avi tapped Jolene with her wand and she came to life with a splutter and dropped the fork.

“I was going to return it, honest!” She protested, then blinked and looked around. “Wha?”

“Yes, what’s going on, Avi?” Lady V asked, having handcuffed Becks to a table leg.

“That is the One Cheesy Poof which Brenda holds in her hand.” Avi began. “It was forged by an evil lord a really long time ago, before it fell into the hands of the teenyboppers.”

“How’d it fall into the hands of the teenyboppers? And how do you know it’s the One Cheesy Poof?” Lady V asked.

“The first question should be answered in Rivendell, where the wisest dwell. As for the second question…” Avi hitched up her robe and climbed over to Brenda. She pulled a magnifying glass out of her pocket and held it over the Cheesy Poof. Engraved in bright green letters was…

“I cannot read the blinding letters. Why do people use sodding lime-green font anyway?” Diana asked.

Avi rolled her eyes. “It’s made by someone evil?” Looks of comprehension crossed everyone’s faces. “In the common tongue, it reads ‘like, OMG! U found mAH ChEeSy PoOF! BriN iT bAC 2 MoRdOR AsAP! TY!!!’ This is the One Cheesy Poof.”

There was a silence, as everyone tried to overcome their headaches. Then Lady V stepped up and took the One Cheesy Poof from Brenda’s hand. “What must I do?”

Swooooooon.